the hard process.

i have felt seemingly out of touch w my emotions the last couple months. not that i had no emotion per se, but i know that i've not let my emotions just go and be. i don't think anyone should always let their emotions do their thing, but i do think there's a time and a place. and my time and place happened to be today... unexpectedly.

i have a very dear friend (who i've mentioned on here before) that experienced the worst thing i think any mom... or woman, really... could really experience. losing a child. i don't care who you are, losing a child hurts. and it's a hurt that truly never goes away, i believe. today, that sweet princess is celebrating another heavenly birthday and i find myself on the verge of tears just thinking about her, that experience, and all of the 'what if's' that i know flood erica's mind on a regular basis. i know god is sovereign and a good god, but i still can't help but ask why.

as holden is quickly approaching two, there's been a lot of people asking/prodding/joking about how baby #2 should be on it's way and how we really need to get on that. and it's sort of the truth... i don't want holden to be 5 or anything, but i also can't quite silence all of my fears long enough to start the process.

what if it takes a long time to get pregnant?
what if i miscarry?
what if... what if... what if...

i think i have such a perfect little picture in my mind of how i think things should go... that the thought of them going different is painful. i do think everything happens for a reason and that even sweet babes that never breathe here on earth had a purpose... but that doesn't make the possibility of an experience like that any easier to accept.

today, i'm working hard to mentally calm myself down and asking for the lord that has predetermined each step will give me his sweet peace.

if you have a few minutes, you should really check out this sermon video. this pastor is a great speaker, in my opinion, but more importantly, one of my dearest friends shared and i promise you will be moved...

http://vimeo.com/75247919