mine.

now that holden is just shy of 19 months old, i am quickly realizing just how rotten he is. it's not his fault... and he is no different than any other toddler. he was born into a world full of sin and knows no different at this point. besides his toddler tantrums and orneryness, he brings such joy to my life. but... there is still such a sinful nature under it all.

this sinful nature has become so clear to me lately as holden's favorite word has gone from 'doggy' and 'mama' to 'MINE'. everything is his. it's the whole toddler mindset of 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine'. 

and it's scary. it's scary that if i, as his mother, don't guide him in the correct way, he may never lose the selfish, 'everything is mine' mindset. that's a lot of pressure in case you were wondering!

as a 26 year old mom and wife, i find it ridiculous how i still find myself falling into a selfish rut. not in the selfish way of 'that's mine' per se, but more so in the mode of 'i don't feel like it' or 'i don't have time for that'. i'm sure i'm not alone in this, but it's an embarrassing rut to acknowledge you've fallen into. and it's honestly a hard rut to get out of.

a quote i heard one time is 'if you want to find out how selfish you are, get married. if you want to really find out how selfish you are, have a baby.' not gonna lie... i always thought this referred to the fact that once you have a baby, this little person will take a lot of time, energy & freedom. and it probably is referring to that, but it must also refer to the fact that, when you least expect it, your almost-19 month son is going to show you how selfish he is and then you'll realize your own selfishness. oy. 

so... now that i'm painfully aware of this rut and selfishness that has taken a firm root in my heart, i have to do something about it. i just ordered a new bible study that i can't wait to start. 'unglued' by lysa terkeurst seems like it'll be such a good tool to help pluck me out of this unexpected rut. because, really, emotions that i don't control seem to be the root of this selfishness. i'll let ya know how the study goes...